


maximize all the pleasure

by sowish



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: F/F, bad evil deeds and BAD bad evil deeds!, beware of some uncomfy topics, bottoms up! and the devil laughs!, but heejin learns he ain't shit!, god thinks he's cool and shit for having a huge cult following, heejintheangel, heejinthedemon, hyunjin plays a part in all of this but tbh this is about heejin becoming a demon >:), if u like god this piece is not for u :/, lots of blasphemy!, satan's actually kinda cool ? ??? ?? ?, side note: hyerim is a side ship, some implied explicit stuff!, sum death here and there, this is more like a gay rebellious angel saying eff u to god himself, this is not your sexy smutty demon fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-07-31 19:40:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20120596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sowish/pseuds/sowish
Summary: Falling for Hyunjin is one thing. Falling from Heaven as an angel is another. It's just, her boss is a megafucking dick of a guy and Heejin quite liked doing what she pleased without being forsaken, and really, being graceless isn't as bad as it seems.





	maximize all the pleasure

**Author's Note:**

> jumping on the demon train but cozying up in a different caboose that contains a certain specific selfish desire that doesn't necessarily concern the defiling of church goers (although it's a fantastic place to be).
> 
> i feel an odd pleasure when i write negative things about religion. i can just blame my excessive catholic schooling on that one. i think i might get smited for writing this, but at least im gay and had fun!!!!
> 
> IMPORTANT: i'd recommend looking up hedonism and epicureanism if you don't know what those are
> 
> title derived from ordinary pleasure by toro y moi.
> 
> enjoy :D

Heejin doesn’t earn her wings until she successfully guided her seventh human through the gates of Heaven. 

(Heejin thinks that God’s affinity for the number seven is a bit over the top—living the past five hundred or so years of her life without wings made transportation a real pain. But, Heejin supposes that whatever He says goes without ever questioning.)

Throughout the years of being an angel and guiding humans through their lifetimes, Heejin is used to seeing the shimmery glow of angels following other people in the tangible world.

Without a singular doubt, Heejin’s favorite angel to see out and about is Hyunjin. Coming into Heaven thirty years later than Heejin, Hyunjin earned her wings a lot sooner than Heejin had, her first and seventh beings passing at much younger ages.

(Heejin doesn’t like to ponder the cruelty of sentencing an innocent three-year-old to the pain of terminal cancer, didn’t like to see Hyunjin cry at the end of her person’s bed—red eyes and seemingly endless tears tracking her angelic face.

Even if Hyunjin was the first entity that her third person saw to welcome her through the pearly gates of Heaven, there was something tragic about watching life drain away from the purest form of youth—something especially tragic about her first person to guide fading away faster than any young spirit should.)

(After Hyunjin had guided her person through Heaven and left her to meet with God, Hyunjin’s knees buckled under her, the emotional whiplash of death swirling uneasily the misery of loss in her heart like moving a branch through sticky tar.

Heejin had to hold her, allow for the girl’s tears to soak through the satin of her clothes, couldn’t stand to watch Hyunjin’s hope and faith become tainted at the hands of the sentence God gave to such an innocent soul.

Still, Hyunjin sprung back. Eyes just as bright and hopeful, heart as innocent and pure as the first day she graced the heavenly skies.)

(Seeing Hyunjin come back like that, it’s the first time Heejin falls. But, she pushes the thought aside. One mustn’t entertain their own selfish desires of the heart as by the creed God enforced.)

<strike> (That doesn’t mean she stops falling.) </strike>

Either way, affectionately, Heejin thinks that if any other younger angel than her were to fare on better terms with The Big Man Himself, there wasn’t a better one than Hyunjin. Almost childishly hopeful and untouchably pure, Hyunjin epitomized the image of an angel, _ is _ the definition of angel that God hails.

Certainly, it couldn’t have been Heejin.

Heejin learns this when she guides her fortieth person.

~

Sooyoung is a troublesome woman. 

She was a rascal as a kid—climbing anywhere, fighting anyone with small fisted hands, doing whatever she could to get her way. Even with Heejin watching over her and doing her best to steer her the rightful way, Sooyoung often fell for the whispering temptation of self-pleasure. More than just a handful, in all of the years Heejin has spent watching over the souls of human beings, Sooyoung had to be the one Heejin had the hardest one to get through to—if she could even get through to her at all.

It was fine when she was younger. One extra scoop of ice cream, stealing a cookie or two from the cookie jar without her mother knowing was one thing, even pushing the boy who had better shoes than her pales in comparison to what the older Sooyoung does now.

Now, it’s as if Heejin and her gentle guiding voice has become overpowered by the world of sin and epicureanism. Following Sooyoung through the dark and grimy clubs of the city, watching her fall into hazy spells of lust and attraction and being unable to give her the Heavenly guidance of what is right, Heejin has seen her disappear behind doors of unknown apartments, bathroom stalls, and janitorial closets with men and women who had their own strings attached—has seen her walking out from them with lazy smiles and half-lidded red eyes, more buttons left undone than when she first walked in.

If the sinful sex was one thing, the needles pricking into her bloodstream and the line of white she inhales like air was another. 

At first, Heejin only watched in fear at how Sooyoung spiraled, her ears closed to Heejin’s worried pleading. 

Heejin knows that she is starting to lose Sooyoung to Lucifer when she watches her become entangled with a cruel and wealthy man far beyond her years, his body left abandoned without an angel to guide him through life. Watching her wait out his years and even marrying him, Heejin knows that the world has given Sooyoung a hand so strong that even Heaven itself could not fight it, most absolutely would not welcome. 

(Heejin supposes that like misery, evil loves company. Sooyoung was sinful in her own hedonism, but her husband had the empathy and sympathy of an empty and shallow dish—smiling in the face of poverty, finding joy in watching the powerless subdued to abuse.)

Heejin still remembers the night that sealed Sooyoung’s damnation and it begins with a red lacy lingerie set and a red satin scarf that ends with a blindfolded and aged naked man, slumped and bonded with restraints smelling of sarin.

(Yeah, it may look fucking weird to wear a gas mask with lingerie that barely covers her ass and tits, but, as long as that old sexist pig couldn’t see her, Sooyoung could kill that sad motherfucker with poison strong enough that a whiff could make him foam at the mouth and die like the piece of shit that he is.)

Acting well enough that if Heejin hadn’t seen Sooyoung murder the man, she too would believe that the woman is innocent, her big brown and pleading eyes crying tears that ruins her mascara. The judge and the jury fall for her act, the devil named Hedonism on her shoulder swimming in the pleasure of chaos winning, in watching Sooyoung revel in the wealth that is left for her.

(Truly, for being so cruel and hard, the man surely had a weakness for pretty and seductive women, enough for him to disregard a prenup that would protect his finances. 

In Sooyoung’s eyes, he’s easy prey.

And holy shit was he fuckin’ easy—easy to please, easy to seduce, easy to steal from, even easier to kill.)

Thinking about it, Heejin can’t find it in herself to empathize for the man, even if everything she knows tells her to search for the man’s innocence and forgive. How could she forgive someone who would gladly take advantage of children? In the whole scheme of things, Sooyoung had her own right, had her own justification to rid of this poor excuse of a man.

God, did he need an angel. Forsaken and left to rot in the putrid carcass that he lived in, his soul is Lucifer’s to take. (Heejin thinks that his rancid soul deserves the punishment that he will be sentenced to suffer through—even finds a slight joy at knowing his soul will meet with the torture of the scalding flames of Hell and Lucifer’s cruel grasp.)

Some part of Heejin thinks that Sooyoung doesn’t deserve to endure that same fate.

Sooyoung has her own flaws, has committed her own sins, but she still has the heart to cry at the death of her mother and younger sister caught in the unfortunate circumstance of a hit and run, still has the humanity to take in a wounded and starving dog that staggers around her neighborhood, often left ignored and sneered at like the homeless man that sits outside of her favorite bar.

Selfish epicureanism is one thing, a complete disregard for humanity is another.

Sooyoung still has a heart.

And that’s why Heejin stays, allows for Sooyoung to take advantage of the people that she sets her eyes on, even finds happiness at watching how her eyes light up at the sight of her bank account becoming heavy with wealth, affluence at her front door.

(Heejin doesn’t want to admit it, but she vicariously lives through Sooyoung’s victories—there’s something so satisfying about watching her fulfill her own pleasures.)

And in Sooyoung’s lifetime, Heejin is left with time to think about the laws God has laid down, has given the time to think about the philosophies of her leader and His power. Heejin has spent her nights wondering why He would allow for innocent souls to suffer far more than is necessary for soul building, would give people a sentence that dictates their afterlife if they had free will, questioned the intricacies of His power and how He uses it to puppeteer the fate of others—especially when fate has no room in religion.

When Sooyoung falls from old age and hits her head on the marble of her floor, Heejin has come to the conclusion that the God she knows is not that much greater than the Ruler of the Underworld. At least Lucifer was honest about his morality. God hid behind the superior complex of an all-powerful being with a following large enough that the majority of the world would support his “ever-graceful and loving” existence.

Frankly, it sounds like bullshit to Heejin.

After Sooyoung dies at her deathbed with a smile on her lips, it’s the first time she sees Heejin. Leaning her shoulder against the door of her comfy room, Heejin waits with her eyes looking lovingly at the woman, her white and glorious wings carefully tucked behind her back.

(It’s an odd feeling to exist as a wisp of a soul and looking at her old and wrinkled body on a bed of satin, but with Heejin’s soft hands taking hers, she doesn’t feel the slightest wrinkle of fear.)

Presenting as her much younger and mischievous self, fresh in her early twenties and passionately ambitious, she is somewhat pleased and smiling that usual confident and lazy smirk that Heejin has seen her wear for nights that she cannot keep count. Heejin knows that Sooyoung is content with the life that she lived and is willing to accept whatever sentence that has been given to her.

“There’s no way in Hell I’m making it to Heaven, Guardian Angel.”

Heejin smiles and soothingly runs her fingers through Sooyoung’s hair, “I will not be taking you to the gates of Heaven, my dear, but you will find that you will be okay.”

Appearing through the wall and dressed in black, it’s been centuries since Heejin has last seen this figure. The last time she saw her, she had been angrily stripped vulnerable of her white clothes, her back bleeding angry red and her wings ripped and torn away from her spine like tacks nailed to a wall. Heejin could never forget the agonized and pained screaming that echoed through the air like a heavy anvil dropping on her heart when He had fisted her sparkling wings, the action more than enough to get the angel on her knees and wailing with torment. Yanking and pulling with the might of Heavenly strength, Heejin can never forget the sound of the angel’s bones cracking and dislodging, an eerie popping that haunts her still, the sight of her white wings dripping with blood, its splatters getting on the pristine white feathers. She could never forget watching her friend falling from grace into the embrace of Lucifer’s arms. 

Centuries passed, she looks like she’s doing much better, if the playful smirk on her lips is any indication—Heejin has missed that smile dearly.

“Didn’t think I’d ever see you again, Heej.”

Smiling back at her, a true and genuine one that is clean of disgust or hate, Heejin feels her heart’s joy at seeing the figure welcoming Sooyoung into Hell.

“I didn’t think I would either, Jungie.”

“I guess even the best angels fail.”

Now under the protection of Jungeun’s wings, its feathers now jet-black, it feels like coming home for Sooyoung.

“Black looks good on you.”

The playful smirk turns into a cocky and prideful one, her wings feathering out and expanding to its full length, “Doesn’t it?”

“Better than white ever did.”

Before turning away with Sooyoung and disappearing to the licks of flame welcoming them into Hell, Jungeun casts a last look behind, “Black would look good on you too, Heejin.”

Shrugging, Heejin can’t even find insult in her sly implication, at Jungeun seeing the start of her dissent from God—doesn’t have it in her to care.

“Take care of her, Jungeun. Sooyoung doesn’t deserve to suffer like the rest.”

Jungeun’s voice is distant and disappearing, but Heejin still hears it clear as a whistle, “I suppose you didn’t really fail with this one, Jeon Heejin. I promise to take care of her.”

And Jungeun doesn’t break her promises.

Starting with being her Guardian Angel and promising her to guide her to the everlasting expanse of Heaven to promising to protect her even past the corporeal life, Jungeun promised to be the Guardian Angel that Heejin deserved, whether or not if she was an angel or a woman who selflessly worked to make life easier for the ones in her reach and the ones that she would never touch.

Even if it means taking the fall for something she didn’t do to protect Heejin.

Even if it means falling from grace for Heejin.

Even if Heejin never meant for it to happen.

(Natural curiosity doesn’t end past death. The first couple years of being an angel, Heejin had questioned His power, inquired with Him his control on the human race and was met with a certain fury that could never quite be described. With angry demands that wished to know who influenced Heejin to question His authority, Jungeun took the blame without hesitation and didn’t even spare a glance at Heejin when God sentenced her fall, didn’t even look at her once when He tore her wings from her, would never give Heejin the overwhelming guilt of watching her eyes cloud in pain. Jungeun already knew of His unfair rule, already came to terms with the pain that comes with rebelling, and took the agony with immeasurable courage and bravery. Hell, Lucifer would be proud of her.

When Lucifer welcomed her through the gates of Hell and healed the afflicted wounds and scars of her past wings, she felt a certain love that God never extended to her and heard the words that she failed to ever hear from Him despite her hundreds of years of working beside Him—doing His dirty work.

“I’m so proud of you” never sounded so fucking good.

And plus, she didn’t have to wait seven goddamn years for her wings.)

~.~.~

Being with Sooyoung and allowing her to live the life she desired, it never allowed for Heejin to meet with her favorite angel. Coming home—not to Heaven, but to Hyunjin—Heejin doesn’t even need to see her face to know that it is her when she walks past the gates of Heaven. Curling an arm to pull her in by her shoulder and snuggling into the soft pillowy comfort of her wings, the slight shiver that runs through Hyunjin makes Heejin grin a smile so broad and bright that Heaven should sing at its beauty.

“Welcome home, Heekkie. I’ve missed you.”

Hyunjin’s voice is soft and velvety and everything she has missed hearing for the past eighty-three years. Sighing into her wings and nuzzling into the warmth it provides, Heejin feels a certain relief that no one else could ever provide her.

“I missed you too, Hyun.”

Noticing the absence of a presence behind Heejin, Hyunjin suspects that the angel is in need of comfort, “I’m sorry your person couldn’t follow you through to Heaven.”

Hyunjin never expected Heejin to say, “I’m not.”

Pulling away from her, a frown maring her usually peaceful disposition, Hyunjin feels a tinge of fear at the lack of remorse or sadness in Heejin’s brown and warm eyes, “What do you mean you’re not?”

Heejin sighs, as if she is relieved and at complete ease, “She’s where she is meant to be and I know that they’ll treat her better down there than she’ll ever be treated here.”

Backing away from her, close to frightened at how unbothered Heejin is, “What do you mean she’ll be treated better? Heaven is where glory reigns, where peace and love is everlasting.”

Caressing her thumbs over Hyunjin’s frown and smoothing out her brows, Heejin grins a carefree smile that would usually make Hyunjin’s heart float with indescribable lightness, “Some people aren’t meant to be here, Hyun. There’s no other way to say it.” 

Something about Heejin has changed, that much is blaringly obvious to Hyunjin. The Heejin she knew would be inconsolable if she failed to bring her person to Heaven, if she failed to guide them righteously. The Heejin she knew would not go about with a bounce in her step and a breezy smile on her lips.

But, letting Heejin go this time, Hyunjin knows that this is something that she won’t let go of until she reaches the honest truth behind the other angel’s hazy ambiguous truths.

Taking the hand that Heejin has leant out to her and lacing their fingers together, it makes butterflies stutter in her stomach and Hyunjin can’t remember the last time they didn’t rustle at the presence of her friend.

(Much like Heejin, she ignores what it means, has lived a life long enough to know what her sweaty palms and racing heart means, has fallen in love before to know exactly what this is. But, God has taught her well enough what is appropriate. A love like hers is out of the question. But, how could she stop herself from loving her? With how selfless and caring Heejin is—how attentive and genuinely loving she is—how could she?) 

<strike> (Not loving Heejin is out the question.) </strike>

“So, are you gonna introduce me to your person?”

Pushing her concern to the back of her mind and leading her to the beaming sunshine of a girl, Hyunjin loves how Heejin naturally mirrors back the smile the new soul sends, “This is Jiwoo, Heekkie. I’ve already told her so much about you!”

Squeezing the hand in hers, Heejin kisses the back of it, so tired of fighting the temptation to do so after so many years, “Good things, I hope?”

Surprised at the affection but unwilling to show how it shakes her, Hyunjin breezes a playful reply, “Isn’t there only good things to tell?”

Oh, if only Hyunjin knew.

If only Hyunjin knew how Heejin had given up on the purity of being an angel, eager to live the free life of choice and decision, willing to give up her wings for the rush of pleasure that comes with giving into the senselessness and the selfishness of epicureanism.

What is there to fear when there is an absence of anxiety at authoritarian violence at the strike of rebellion?

Remembering the look of freedom in Jungeun’s eyes and how her broad shoulders eased at the weightlessness of moral burden on them, Heejin thinks that that is a much better life to live.

Heejin sees it now, sees how God rules by fear veiled by the pretense of humanity.

The words that she was taught in her life before are ones that she will never forget, “Be good and you’ll go to Heaven...you must behave according to the Commandments and the Creed to enter the gates of Heaven...you must be kind to reach the loving arms of Christ…” 

It’s all bullshit to Heejin. Kindness should not be obligatory—humanity should be genuine, not for the reward of everlasting life.

If falling meant being honest with herself, with others, with disowning a God who lies and hides behind a crown of righteousness, she would if it weren’t for the single tether holding her back—the tether being the one who is holding her hand, being the one angel that she loves the most.

(God would have an absolute shitfest if He knew that His best angel dreams about His favorite angel squirming underneath her touch.

Heejin likes the thought of God going _ fucking _ berserk, wants to show the souls in Heaven the monster that He can be, the monster that He is—wants the truth to be told.) 

~.~.~

Heejin is...a lot more forward now. Whether it be about what she wants, how she talks to others, or how she shamelessly flirts with Hyunjin, it’s a change that shakes Hyunjin to the core.

It’s not that she is cruel or mean-spirited, she is by far anything but horrible. She is still just as loving and attentive, genuine in her affection—the same Heejin that Hyunjin <strike> fell in love with </strike> knows. But, it’s how she is more crass in how she talks, how Hyunjin hears a curse word fall from her lips for the first time in six hundred years, how Heejin kisses her cheek every day—always so dangerously close to her lips. 

When a new mission is assigned to the two angels, it’s something like fate when Hyunjin sees Heejin walk through the walls of her person’s hospital room, her wings coming back to their usual resting position. Hyunjin, pointing at the baby across from hers—the two halves of the room separating two families—Heejin can make out how she mouths, “Yours?”

Smiling and nodding and pointing at the baby across from her and doing the same, Heejin thanks fate for putting them so close for their first encounter.

Hyejoo, Heejin’s person, is a crying bundle of sound and Heejin likes how lovingly her mother gazes at her and how her father wipes his wife’s tears away before tickling the bottom of Hyejoo’s small baby feet and cooing at her.

Heejin makes a promise at the same moment, to guide Hyejoo wherever the girl pleases and to keep her out of enough trouble that she could live a fulfilling life. Having had enough of that Heaven facade, if Hyejoo didn’t want it—couldn’t care less for it—so will Heejin. She’ll protect her through whatever God decides to do, will take the fall if she needs to, will do what Jungeun did for her.

She’ll show Hyejoo a love that is unconditional, unriddled by the ghost of fear and damnation.

Glancing back at Hyunjin again and taking in how lovingly she gazes at Chaewon, Heejin hopes that Hyejoo won’t steer her away from Hyunjin.

~

Hyejoo, in all of her childish innocence and playful youth, never really loses contact with Chaewon, their mothers having befriended during their trying times of labor.

Watching Hyejoo grow up, Heejin sees how Chaewon grows up too.

Heejin sees Hyunjin almost every week and it’s like Heaven on earth.

When Hyejoo steals her classmate’s sixty-four pack of crayons and shares them with Chaewon, it’s the first time Hyunjin scolds her for her lax guidance, “Heejin! Why didn’t you persuade Hyejoo to ask for his crayons at the least?”

Heejin shrugs, her eyes watching how Hyejoo’s light up when she shows Chaewon the picture of two scraggly figures and a yellow sun, “Hyejoo’s having fun with the crayons. And I’ll persuade her to give them back. She’ll return them before he even notices.”

And Heejin stays true to her word. Ten minutes before lunch recess ends, Heejin doesn’t even need to persuade Hyejoo to return his crayons, her gentle voice being enough, “It’s time to give his crayons back, Hyejoo.” Without even hesitating or debating with the hedonism tempting her on her shoulder, the girl slides his crayons back into his desk, the boy blissfully unaware of his crayons ever going missing.

“They’re just kids, Hyun. They haven’t been taught what being bad is. What Hyejoo and Chaewon know right now is good. There is nothing to worry over; they’re being curious and figuring things out and we shouldn’t control that for them.”

Hyunjin lets this incident slide, finding reason in Heejin’s justification.

When Hyejoo and Chaewon are older and enter into their first year of middle school, it’s the first time Hyunjin has difficulty in reconciling Heejin’s reasoning with her morals.

Hyejoo had punched a boy hard enough to make a tooth fall out, even laughed at how he cried from the pain while cradling her hurt knuckles in her hand.

“Heejin! Why didn’t you get her to stop? Violence is never the answer!”

“Sometimes, it is, Hyun.”

Clicking her tongue and frowning at Heejin, Hyunjin can’t believe the nonchalance she hears in Heejin’s voice.

“I don’t get you anymore, Heejin! You’ve been so different and I don’t understand why you’re letting Hyejoo hurt other people like this!”

Heejin doesn’t like how Hyunjin sounds. Accusatory, with the slightest bit of superiority, it makes her heart twist uncomfortably.

“What’s not to get, Hyunjin? Hyejoo was standing up for Chaewon. He pushed her hard enough to make her fall, Hyejoo punched him hard enough to make a tooth drop. Karma has its place in the world and you know that.”

Hyunjin turns away from her; it’s the first time she forsakes Heejin.

“It’s not right, Heejin. There are other ways. Ways that don’t include violence.”

Ignoring how the twisting in her heart clenches in overwhelming pain, Heejin negotiates, “Fine. If this happens again, I’ll get Hyejoo to stop. And if it keeps going, I’d let her unleash Hell if she wants to.”

Hyunjin gasps, affronted at hearing the Underworld being mentioned so easily, “You can’t do that! Our Creator wouldn’t be happy with that!”

Heejin rolls her eyes at the name, sick of hearing the reverence behind it, “I couldn’t give a shit about what He’s happy with. If Hyejoo wants to protect Chaewon, by all means, I won’t stop her.”

Unfathomably shocked at the new side of Heejin is showing, Hyunjin feels everything in her to stay away. But, Hyunjin knows better, knows that she would never forgive herself for letting Heejin stray away without using her best effort to keep her in God’s way.

“Please, Heejin. I’m not asking you to control her. Just please, keep her out of trouble.”

Smirking at Hyunjin in a way she is not familiar with, Heejin is noticeably prideful when she says, “I know what I’m doing, Hyunjin. Worry about Chaewon and I’ll worry about Hyejoo.”

(Hyunjin can’t help how she worries for the younger mortal, can’t help how she worries for Heejin.

She feels a certain tension building, isn’t ready for when everything will snap, doesn’t think she’ll ever be ready to let Heejin go.)

Luckily enough, there isn’t a next time for Hyejoo to protect Chaewon. As it turns out, a lost tooth is enough to scare the bullies away from messing with them again.

Heejin revels in the satisfaction of Hyejoo being able to protect the one she loves (and in the satisfaction Hyejoo feels for being able to stand up for her friend), feels a sense of victory at beating out the “all-holy” lecture of violence being unethical—as if threatening hell and eternal damnation isn’t a form of violence on its own.

~

When Hyejoo is sixteen, she gets her first kiss and it’s with the gentle girl in her Algebra 2 class named Yerim.

  
Being around Hyejoo her whole life and knowing her the most, Heejin knows the exact moment where Hyejoo fell for her. Endearingly enough, it was when Yerim had forgotten a pencil before their Algebra 2 test and smiled at Hyejoo asking to borrow one. (Hyejoo had given her her favorite mechanical pencil and didn’t even worry if the girl would ever return it, content with just giving her her prized pencil that had a fantastic eraser that got her through many difficult tests. As if Hyejoo didn’t already like her, Yerim returned it the next day, a snack attached to the pencil with a cute doodle of a wolf on the post-it note.)

When Hyejoo tells Chaewon about her new crush, the discomfort in Chaewon’s eyes shows Hyunjin’s influence, “Heejin, it’s wrong for her to talk about Yerim like this.”

Frowning at Hyunjin’s tone, Heejin feels her defenses start to rise (Heejin doesn’t know if it’s defenses for herself or for Hyejoo), “What’s wrong about it? All she’s saying is how pretty her smile is.”

“But, you know _ how _ she means it, Heejin. It’s wrong to think like this.”

It’s the second time Heejin feels the rift between her and Hyunjin tear away even further.

“What’s wrong about Hyejoo falling in love? It doesn’t matter if it’s with a girl. She, genuinely in her heart, likes her.”

Hyunjin flushes, unable to deal with her own curiosity and unanswered questions being brought to her conscious, “God said it’s wrong, Heejin! It’s sinful and it goes against what He says!”

If it weren’t for the disgust in Hyunjin’s voice, Heejin thinks she would have kept her rage in, wouldn’t have yelled, “Well, _ fuck _ what He says. Hyejoo is innocent in her own regard. She just likes a girl and that’s what makes her so sinful? That’s fucking messed up.”

Hyunjin gets up and distances herself, her eyes cold and unwelcoming, “I don’t like how you’re talking to me, Heejin. And I don’t like what you’re saying about Him.”

Scoffing and feeling the desire to protect both Hyejoo and herself, Heejin gives into her own sense of hedonism, her voice dripping with a quiet and seething anger, “If you don’t like what I’m saying, Hyunjin, stay away from me. And make sure Chaewon doesn’t hurt Hyejoo. If she even hurts her the slightest bit, I don’t care that they’ve been best friends since birth, I’ll persuade Hyejoo to do what she must in order to protect herself. If I can help it, I won’t let Hyejoo become scared of loving someone. You’ll regret it, Hyunjin. _ Don’t _ forget this.”

The threat is clear. Hyunjin doesn’t even need to ask for clarification, doesn’t need another experience to know that Heejin has changed into someone that she could no longer guide, could no longer agree with.

She didn’t have to let her go if Heejin left her.

It doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

~

Hyunjin didn’t need another experience, but she ends up getting one that gives her a whiplash of truth that she didn’t want and could never prepare herself for.

And it all starts with Hyejoo kissing Yerim at a party. It had felt comfortable for her—Yerim under her arm and snuggled into her embrace, Chaewon right next to her. She wanted to kiss Yerim because the timing felt right, because her heart couldn’t take the anxiety of waiting anymore. Tilting her chin up and asking for permission and being granted it, kissing her felt like heaven—like everything good Hyejoo could never dream up. It ends with Chaewon spewing hate from her lips at the guidance of Hyunjin’s words and Hyejoo leaving the party in a desperate attempt to run away from the fear and insecurity, even if she could never run from the pain poisoning in her heart.

Hyejoo doesn’t want to unleash Hell, doesn’t want to get revenge on Chaewon for spitting in her face and degrading her, she just ached for her friend’s comfort—needed to hear “I love you, I support you” rather than the names she called her with horror and disgust in her eyes.

Watching Hyejoo cry, desolate and alone, at the park bench Chaewon and her used to go to when they were younger, Heejin feels a rage that never brewed in her before.

(She told her. She told her that if Chaewon ever hurt her, Hyunjin would regret it. Heejin might not be able to tell Chaewon what to do or guide her, but she could put her Guardian Angel out of commission, and all by simply forcing the truth to come out.)

Seeing Yerim approach and Hyejoo falling into her embrace, Heejin leaves her under the watchful eye of her girlfriend and the other girl’s Guardian Angel. Finding Hyunjin just by knowing Chaewon well enough to know where she’d be, Heejin is anything but gentle when she harshly shoves Hyunjin against the wall of Chaewon’s room, the other angel’s wings getting crushed by the impact.

Her voice overflowing with rage and blazing with hurt, Heejin screams at her with such tangible spite for the first time that Hyunjin has ever known her.

“I _ fucking _ told you, Hyunjin! I warned you that if Chaewon ever hurt her, you’d fucking regret it!”

Matching the girl’s brimming passion, Hyunjin shouts back, her throat unprepared for the screaming match she gets thrown in, “And what are you going to do about it, Heejin? I won’t control what Chaewon does if she’s doing the right thing.”

Pushing her against the wall again, Hyunjin is too lost in the heat of the fight to see the hurt swirling in Heejin’s eyes, “The right thing? Belittling a human existence just for loving someone? You’re fucked in the head, Hyunjin!”

Pushing back at Heejin hard enough to get her off of her, Hyunjin almost snarls at her, “I think the one messed up in the head is you, Heejin. You’re letting Hyejoo commit this sin. You’re guiding her to Hell! You’re letting her live in disgrace!”

Burning with a frustration that makes Heejin want to rip the feathers of her own wings off, the angel has had enough of this child’s play, enough of this superficial arguing, and bites at the truth hiding behind all of this, “I’m letting her fall in love without making her torture herself with self-hate! I’m giving her the pleasure that _ you _ don’t have.”

Pacing around Heejin and keeping her seething eyes on her, Hyunjin doesn’t have the sense to calm down, to see that her fear is begging her to stop the conversation because Heejin is way too damn close to making the truth come out, “Pleasure that I don’t have? What is that supposed to mean?!”

Heejin scoffs and folds her arms, her rage contained to a quiet confidence that begins to scare Hyunjin, “You’re too fuckin’ scared to admit it.”

Trying to match Heejin and look as unfazed, unwilling to lose this fight, “Admit what?”

Heejin smirks, cocky and so sure of herself with a certain wickedness in her eyes.

“I don’t need to tell you what you’re feeling. You know what it is. I can see the fear in your eyes. I can see how fucking terrified you are of admitting the truth. Not to me. But, to yourself.”

Feigning confidence, and failing terribly, Hyunjin refuses to break, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Stalking closer to Hyunjin like a wolf circling sheep, Heejin gets close enough for Hyunjin to smell the scent of rain that the other angel always smells of, “You know who you love, so do I, sweetheart.”

In a rush, Heejin’s lips are on hers, hot and invasive, her hands squeezing uncomfortably tight at Hyunjin’s hips. And when she pulls away, mocking and sneering smirk taunting the other angel, Hyunjin can’t stop the primal want to chase after her to slot her lips against Heejin’s again, her tongue sliding with the one that welcomes her this time, her hands in the other angel’s hair and pulling hard enough for her to moan at the feeling, her other hand making crescent shaped marks where her fingernails sink in at her shoulders. And when Heejin’s lips are on her neck and suckling hard enough for a red mark to show, Hyunjin doesn’t have it in her to push her away, the pleasure of finally kissing Heejin being sated in a way that Hyunjin has always hated herself for wanting.

It’s heavenly and sinful at the same time and Heejin is gone quicker than the blink of an eye, Heejin’s biting tug at her lips the last thing Hyunjin feels.

“You can lie all you want, Hyunjin. But, I know that you’re scared of yourself; I know that you hate yourself. And I won’t let Chaewon hurt Hyejoo like that.”

After disappearing just as quickly as she appeared, Hyunjin staggers against the wall, her eyes on Chaewon, finally noticing how broken and frayed her girl looks.

If Chaewon could see her too, she’d only see a bigger mess in front of her.

Heejin knows Hyunjin too well, is unafraid to meet the monster tormenting her, is vindictive enough to use it against her to protect Hyejoo.

And God, did Heejin get her way.

If Heejin wanted to keep Chaewon away from Hyejoo, so be it.

_ Anything _ to avoid the eyes and lips that torment her now.

_ Anything _ to avoid the truth.

But, Hyunjin can still feel how soft Heejin’s lips were (even if their kiss was anything but), how the corner of her lips were tugged into a smirk before Hyunjin let herself fall deeper into it and slipped her tongue past the other angel’s lips, can still feel the scorching heat of Heejin’s hands on her waist, the tendrils of Heejin’s hair tangled through her fingertips, the sound of her pleasure ringing through her ears when she tugged.

The thoughts won’t leave her alone, won’t let Heejin go.

~

In truth, Heejin didn’t really know what Hyunjin felt, only took a shot in the dark with the uncertain assumption of her feelings as her weapon, hoping that she would hit the target. (Heejin had hoped that she didn’t misinterpret her lingering gazes, how Hyunjin never really pushed her affection way, the clamminess of her hands whenever she held them, and how Hyunjin liked to spend a majority of her free time with her and as an immortal being, that’s a whole lot of fucking time.)

She expected the screaming, the explosive tension finally being released and painting the walls like splattered blood. She definitely did not expect Hyunjin to kiss her back. And to kiss her again with a passion and fever that matched the burning in Heejin’s heart that she had for her.

If she didn’t know before, she certainly knows now.

And it’s a shame that their first kiss is spent in the scalding heat of uncontrollable anger and spite.

Heejin feels disappointment in herself for forcing Hyunjin, but she doesn’t feel regret. Heejin knows that she did what she had to do to protect Hyejoo, that it was the most effective way to get rid of Chaewon until Hyunjin would be ready to guide her through the healing and reconciliation the two mortals need.

Watching over Hyejoo for the rest of the night and finding relief that the girl at least had Yerim by her side, a part of Heejin wants to go back to Hyunjin, to be the comfort that she knows the other angel needs, to be the stability that she needs after recognizing the honest truth that would send her through her own chaos.

Ideally, that’s how Heejin imagined it. She fantasized Hyunjin coming to terms on her own, going to Heejin on her own digression and telling her in the comfort of their own sanctity, kissing her because she wants to kiss her and being ready to move on to a whole new world of change with her.

Even past dying, reality is a right pain in the ass.

But, she would do it again if she had to.

She promised Hyejoo she would protect her, would allow her to chase the self-pleasures in life if hurting others was justifiable.

(It almost always is. That’s the thing with hedonism. Anything and everything is justifiable with the cause being the fulfillment of one’s own happiness.)

And if that meant tearing apart her own relationships and leaving them to suffer at her own ministration, it would be a loss that Heejin would have to worry about later.

~

When the next school week comes, Hyejoo wants to ditch every single day to avoid the torture of running into Chaewon and sitting beside her in many of their classes. Heejin doesn’t try to persuade Hyejoo to go, understands that the girl needs her time to recuperate.

It’s not Heejin that persuades Hyejoo to attend class on Thursday. At the loving hand and support that Yerim so genuinely and readily provides, Hyejoo finds the strength to take her bag on her shoulders (and Yerim’s books because she likes the chivalry of carrying her things) and to tangle her fingers with Yerim’s, kissing her before walking through her school’s doors.

Hyejoo does a job sufficient enough to avoid Chaewon, Hyunjin doing her best to steer her away from the other girl as well, unready to even feel Heejin’s presence next to hers.

Usually, Hyejoo walks home from school with Chaewon after their dance practice that ends past the sun’s goodbye, Yerim usually busy with her other extracurriculars and unable to come with. This time, understandably, Hyejoo walks alone.

Heejin is walking with her and trying to fill in a spot that she could never quite fill. Instead, Hyejoo’s phone is glued to her ear, a soft smile on her lips, the sound of Yerim’s bright laughter coming through it. Things are far from perfect and Hyejoo is far from being okay, but she has Yerim—she will be okay.

Until she won’t.

When a man comes out from behind the pillar of an unoccupied and infamously dead street, Heejin feels her heart stop, her blood turning cold, when she sees the absence of an angel with him. 

Pointing a gun out and threatening Hyejoo, his hands shaking, Heejin knows in her heart that this is it, “Give me your fucking money!”

Voice calm despite everything inside her shaking with fear, Hyejoo whispers into the speaker, Yerim still on the phone with her, “Yerim, call 911.”

Heejin can hear the other girl’s panic and terrified confusion, knows that this is the last phone call Hyejoo will have. It gives her an anguish that Heejin doesn’t want to accept. She isn’t ready to see a girl like Hyejoo dying so soon, so innocently at the hands of a senseless man.

With her hand raised and the other still holding her phone to her ear, straining it to hear Yerim’s breathing on the other side, needing someone to make her think that she’ll be okay and make it through the night, “I’m just a high school kid, man. I don’t have money.”

Finally noticing that Hyejoo had been on the phone, the man quakes when a flash of fear plagues his body—knowing that someone is hearing their exchange. Terrified at the consequence of meeting with the justice system, the hot fear scalding him, his trembling hand and trigger happy fingers pull with remorse, “God fucking damn it! I’m sorry, kid.”

A shot rings out and it’s a straight shot at Hyejoo’s forehead, the man running far away from the scene.

Standing behind her with her arms holding Hyejoo, Heejin does her best to comfort a soul that is being so cruelly yanked away. Sitting on the floor with the girl in her arms, a scarring bullet placed so mockingly at her forehead, Heejin can’t help but to cry. 

Watching the eyes of the girl she watched from the moment of her first breath to her last, Heejin can’t stop the deepening ache in her heart.

When Hyejoo’s soul rises, her body now lost in between the realm of life and death, Heejin closes the girl’s open and fear-stricken eyes, wishes she couldn’t hear Yerim’s frantic screaming and crying.

Looking up and finding Hyejoo’s soul looking at the host she used to be in, her eyes are sad, lips in a frown.

“I didn’t get to tell Yerim that I love her. And Chaewon still hates me.”

Heejin couldn’t control death—couldn’t control the circumstances around it—but she really wishes that she could because Hyejoo deserved to live a full life. She deserved to tell Yerim that she loves her and to hear it back, deserved to live long enough to hear Chaewon’s apology, deserved to experience life. 

“I’m sorry, Hyejoo.”

The girl’s voice isn’t accusatory, rather curious and wondering, “Couldn’t tell me to take a different path?”

Shaking her head and wiping away the hot tears that tracked down her cheeks, Heejin stands and offers a hand for Hyejoo to hold, which she does end up holding. (Hell, she just got murdered, she won’t refuse an angel’s comfort, especially if it’s the angel that has been beside her since she was born.)

“I didn’t know it was going to happen until it was too late. I don’t control these things, Hye.”

“And what? God does?”

Sighing, Heejin runs her fingers through her hair and caresses the back the hand in hers, “God is more cruel than you think.”

“So what? Was I good enough to make it into Heaven?”

Laughing a humorless laugh, Heejin rolls her eyes, “What I think is good is very different to what my boss thinks is good. I think you’d make it anywhere you want to go.”

“Well, I wanna go to Heaven. Are you going to lead me there?”

And here’s the hard part.

“I can’t. Not yet.”

  
  
Taken aback and almost offended, Hyejoo knits her eyebrows into a frown, “What do you mean not yet?”

“You’re still tethered to the earth. Your soul won’t be able to leave until you’re free of what is keeping you here.”

“What’s keeping me here, Guardian Angel?”

“What’s been conflicting you the most these days, Hyejoo?”

The younger soul sighs, her shoulders dropping.

“Chaewon.”

Squeezing the hand in hers and rubbing comforting circles on her shoulders, Heejin wishes that she could be the one to lead Hyejoo to Heaven and be the one to guide her through the pearly gates, wanted to be what her Guardian Angel was to her.

“Until she says what you need to hear, unfortunately, you’re going to be stuck here.”

When Hyejoo’s eyes well up with unshed tears, she doesn’t have the strength to reject the arms that Heejin holds open for her. Being enveloped in her embrace with Heejin’s wings curling around her body and making her feel the safest she has ever felt, she nuzzles her nose into Heejin’s hair and smells the reassuring scent of rain, “I don’t think she’ll ever say what I need to hear from her.”

“I promised you that I would protect you. This is a promise that I will never break. I’m going to do what I can to make that happen, Hyejoo.”

“You can tell Chaewon what to do?”

Laughing lightly at the absurdity of controlling someone, Heejin shakes her head, “I can’t necessarily tell anyone what to do, but let’s just say I know her angel very well and she has the power to persuade Chaewon to let you go.”

Unfurling her wings and letting go and fixing Hyejoo’s hair, Heejin smiles a loving and caring smile that makes the lost soul feel a warm comfort despite just dying.

“I’ll be back, Hyejoo. Maybe not in the way you see me now, but I promise you, this won’t be the last time you see me.”

Leaving her behind, Heejin wanted to linger around to introduce her soul to the life of the inbetween, but she had a greater task at hand. Knowing that Chaewon likes to sit at the swings at the playground by their high school, finding Hyunjin is a breeze.

“Kim Hyunjin.”

When the angel startles and looks white as a sheet from fear, Heejin laughs at the power she feels coursing through her veins, “No need to piss yourself, sweetheart. I’ve something to ask of you.”

“Where’s Hyejoo?”

Heejin hums and sits at the bench Hyunjin is sat at and lifts her legs to rest them on Hyunjin’s thighs as if their last encounter wasn’t enough to decimate their relationship.

“Fantastic question, Hyunjin. Her soul is probably wandering around somewhere, probably with Yerim and trying in vain to comfort her.”

“What? What do you mean her soul?”

When Heejin sighs, it’s the first time the playful and taunting mirth in the angel’s eyes ebbs into sadness and genuine pain, soft emotions that Hyunjin used to hate seeing but came to miss at the presence of the cold and detached look Heejin has come to have for her.

(She misses how warmly Heejin used to look at her, how her eyes would rest on her softly and lovingly, so reassuringly and attentively. She misses how it feels to have Heejin loving her.)

“Hyejoo got murdered and she can’t leave this fucking cesspit of a place until your girl lets her go.”

“And what do I have to do with it?”

Sitting up and edging her face uncomfortably close to Hyunjin’s, the tip of her nose on Hyunjin’s, her lips inches away, “You have _ everything _ to do with it. Your words influenced Chaewon before. Influence her again to apologize to her friend and let her go. Hyejoo doesn’t deserve to be a lost soul. You may think I’m evil now or whatever bullshit you want to believe, but I’d never be heartless enough to let a soul like Hyejoo’s rot when we both know that she deserves better. And if you don’t, I’m gonna find a way to make it happen.”

Hyunjin doesn’t know what Heejin plans to do, but she knows that whatever the angel sets her mind to will be fulfilled.

Unwilling to reconcile with her pride and confront her fear, Hyunjin refuses to acknowledge the truth, “Chaewon has nothing to apologize for, Heejin.”

Scoffing and crossing her arms, Heejin can’t recognize the angel in front of her, can no longer see the soul she used to love so dearly, “You still can’t admit it to yourself, Hyunjin. You’re weak. Hiding behind your lies and your lofty superiority. Get the fuck off of your high horse and open your goddamn eyes to _ see _ that your actions are hurting people. You think you’re all holy and righteous when you’re content with letting an innocent girl suffer just to save your sorry soul. Between you and me, at least I’m fucking honest. At least I’m not afraid to say that I loved you, that I have thought of you almost every night. And I’m not afraid of losing everything if it means I’m protecting Hyejoo. If you’re not willing to be brave and to do what’s right, you’re no better than the putrid souls Jungeun comes to collect.”

When Heejin shoots to the sky, her white and glimmering wings illuminating the dark night, Hyunjin knows that Heejin is anything but wrong.

She’s terrified.

She doesn’t want to fall from grace, doesn’t want to lose her wings.

But, she doesn’t want to lose Heejin, doesn’t want to let go. And that’s why she abandons Chaewon and follows Heejin to the Heavenly skies. 

~

When she arrives, it’s utter chaos.

Heejin is shouting about, a playful smirk on her lips, her eyes, however, dark with anger and swirling with irritation.

“Now, where the fuck is He? I’ve got some questions for the entitled asshole!”

When God appears from behind His lofty doors, Heejin grins an almost villainous sneer, “Ah! There He is! The Dictator Himself!”

“Jeon Heejin! What is this blasphemy?!”

“Oh, dear Creator, I didn’t know that the truth was synonymous with blasphemy!”

Heejin can see how His eyes slightly twitch, a sign of irritation.

“Fair Heejin, where is this coming from?”

“God, I think you know that I’ve always been so honest. I’m just not afraid to say it now.”

“Say what, my dear child?”

Using her wings and flying to the tall height of God, she is unhappy with how He looks down at her in superiority. Heejin twirls and swoops through the air, taking in the freedom of her Heavenly wings for the last time.

“That you’re a selfish and unfair asshole, too greedy with His power to even let others question His authority. You hide behind righteousness and “free will” when you have already destined humans to their deaths long before they’re even born. Their will is far from free. You shackle it with your teachings, dangling Hell like a threat and ruling their humanity with fear. You’re relentless and end lives that don’t deserve to end—you make the powerless suffer at the hands of your own amusement and entertainment. You’re cruel and heartless, banishing the genuine and true love between two similar sexes and riddling them with the fear that they will not be accepted through the gates of Heaven. You teach us to love when you don’t have the heart to love unconditionally. You’re no better than the heartless souls you condemn to Hell. Everything in this goddamn place is a _ fucking _ lie!”

When God grasps and clenches at Heejin’s neck, almost hard enough to crush her windpipes, His voice is booming and saturated with fury.

If Heejin wanted to see Him lose himself to His anger, she succeeded just as easily as she thought she would.

When the angels and souls in Heaven gasp at the public show of violence, Heejin accepts the fate that is extended to her. (His pride is just as easy to exploit as the average man’s and if Heejin could laugh, she would.)

“You know what happens when you defy my words, Heejin. You’ve seen your friend suffer the pain of a thousand deaths, and yet, you still choose to anger me.”

Unwilling to explain, unwilling to give Him the time to justify Jungeun, Heejin merely spits in His face, voice ragged and low, her eyes dark but gleaming with sick victory, “_Fuck. You.” _

When God forces her to her knees, her back turned to Him, He holds her head up with a violent and crushing hold for the souls in Heaven to look—as if brandishing her with a scarlet letter atop of a scaffold, “Look and see what happens when you oppose me and choose to side with the devil!”

Hyunjin will never forget how Heejin looks proud of herself, relaxed in her position even if He is hurting and defiling her in the presence of holy beings. When He grasps at the top of her wings and starts to twist, Heejin doesn’t hang her head low even if the pain is mind numbingly excruciating. She won’t hide how He is hurting her, wants to show everyone His violent ruthlessness at the agitation of a mere angel questioning His power. As He starts pulling at her wings and gashing at her skin to mutilate her wings away, Heejin’s scream is raw with torture when she bellows out in pain. When she cries from the devastating heat ripping through her spine, the sharp and unbearable pain making her legs quiver, she holds herself up to keep her eyes locked with Hyunjin’s, still so brave and proud, so honest in her loyalty to Hyejoo.

God is not the benevolent man Hyunjin knows. The God she knows wouldn’t be laughing at Heejin’s misery, wouldn’t be proving His power over a fallen angel so unconditional with her love and hellbent on doing what she thinks is right. When God pushes her to fall from grace, her wings—which He holds in His hands like a gleaming trophy—dripping pools of blood on the pristine white floor of Heaven, Hyunjin won’t forget the peace in Heejin’s eyes. She can’t forget the sight of watching the one she loves leaving her. (Even if Heejin was writhing in pain and had shining tears running down her cheeks, her voice worn from screaming, Hyunjin doesn’t think she’s ever seen her so happy and at ease.)

If she had been brave enough, would Heejin have agitated God enough to anger Him enough for Him to forsake her so inhumanely from Heaven? Would Heejin still be hers? Would she still love her?

Hyunjin wishes she could have brave like Heejin, good and honest like she was. 

She thinks Heejin would love her still if she could.

~.~.~

Falling from Heaven is a rush of free falling fear. But, the terror is only temporary, the image of Jungeun’s playful smile welcoming her to the pits of Hell, her arms wrapping her into a warm and comfortable hug, lovingly and securely.

“Welcome home, Heejin.”

And it feels like coming home with Jungeun’s arms around her. It reminds her of those hundreds of years ago walking into the glittering dream of Heaven, but something about this one—about reuniting with her old Guardian Angel in Hell—feels even more redeeming, “Feels good to be home, Jungie.”

Walking through the realm of Hell with Jungeun’s hand holding hers, the slightest sense of deja vu washes over her when she looks at their hands laced together, Jungeun pointing out certain things about the landscape, “I didn’t think I would ever experience something like this again.”

Jungeun smiles and slings her arm over Heejin’s shoulder, “I may no longer be your Guardian Angel, but I promised to keep you safe if you needed me to. I don’t break my promises.”

“So, Sooyoung is okay?”

“Better than okay, Heejin. We can see her after Lucifer heals your wounds.”

(Oh yeah. Heejin almost forgot about those.)

As they continue to walk through, Heejin leans her head on Jungeun’s, briefly closing her eyes after such an exhausting day. “I’m sorry, Jungeun. For being the reason He banished you.”

Caressing her hair and extending the warmth and the long missed feeling of someone caring for her, it’s what she needs to feel better after the whirlwind of a day she has had. 

(From losing the person that she has grown close to you and looked so reverently at, leaving Hyunjin behind to release Hyejoo’s soul of her desolation, having her wings dismembered from her, and falling from grace, Heejin doesn’t know what it is that keeps her standing still.)

“I’d do anything for you like how you would do anything for Hyejoo. You know by now that there is nothing to apologize for.”

“Still. It really fucking hurt.”

“That it does. You owe me a massage at the least.”

“I feel like I owe you much more than that.”

“Well, Heejin, you have all of eternity with me to give massages—don’t talk with such haste.”

Heejin has missed this, has missed Jungeun, missed being fearlessly vulnerable because her past angel always gave her the security to be innocent and hopeful, almost childish to a fault. 

It feels so good to be taken care of, to know that Jungeun loves her no matter the hell that she raised in whatever life she lives.

Heejin thanks Jungeun for teaching her how to love unconditionally.

It’s a quality that even God, Himself, did not possess. And fuck, did that give her the greatest satisfaction.

~

Meeting Lucifer is a pleasant experience.

Calm and mysterious in his own right, he is gracious enough to heal her wounds without explanation, knowing well enough the dangerous reactive nature of God when he is provoked.

“You’ve done well, Heejin.”

Shuffling her feet and looking slightly small, ashamed to already be asking something of Lucifer, Heejin only needs the image of Hyejoo’s innocent eyes to remind her of her goal, remind her of why she chose to fall so suddenly from grace, “Lucifer- uh- Mr. Lucifer?”

The man in front of her chuckles, amused, “Lucifer will be just fine.”

Heejin stutters and looks to Jungeun for support, her loyal eyes already on hers to give her strength, “I still have business to take care of on earth. Hyejoo, she’s still lost and I promised her I’d get her to wherever she wanted to be. I’d do anything to take her home.”

Desperately falling to her knees to plead, Lucifer’s voice is steadfast and oddly comforting.

“Do not kneel to me unless I ask for you to do so, Heejin. I’ll grant you this one; Jungeun has put in a good enough word for you.”

Before Heejin can walk away, Lucifer beckons her back and gestures for her to turn around and have her back facing him. Looking at the ripped cloth and the new scars that systematically pattern her back, he grants a gift to her.

“You’re going to need wings if you’re going back to earth.”

Growing from her back with surprising ease, midnight black wings slot into the empty spaces that her spine had left at the dismemberment of her pristine white ones. Rolling her shoulders and unfurling her wings to their true and full length, Heejin can only smile in awe at the sight.

Jungeun too smiles at the sight, her eyes proud and loving, “Hmm, it looks like I was right, Heej. Black looks magnificent on you.”

Unable to rein in the happiness coursing through her body and running to Jungeun, the hug that she slams into is one that gives her the will and strength to move forward. Coming outside of Lucifer’s room after thanking him for giving her a pair of her own wings, a familiar figure makes itself present to Heejin.

“Sooyoung?”

“Heejin!”

When her past soul runs into the arms that Heejin extends, Heejin runs her hand through the expanse of the new horns on top of Sooyoung’s head, “You got horns!”

Sooyoung is eager and proud of herself, the same confident smirk that Heejin knows so well etched on her lips, “I just earned them!”

Patting her head and running her fingers through Sooyoung’s hair, the fondness that surges in Heejin’s heart is welcomed, “I’m so proud of you, Sooyoung. You’re doing well in here, just as I thought you would.”

Parting from her after promising to reconnect after Heejin accomplishes her mission, the now demon feels recharged from the love and support given to her throughout the night.

~

Flying to earth, the smirk that Heejin wears is confident and ready.

She’s been waiting for this.

She’s been waiting for the rush of pleasure that comes with satisfying her own personal desires.

It’s time to do what is going to give her the greatest pleasure of all—to free Hyejoo from the rancid restraints of the corporeal world and send her to wherever her soul desired. 

Flying over the area that Hyejoo was so cruelly killed, the lingering cop cars and the absent presence of Hyejoo’s physical body indicates how much time has passed. Flying to Yerim’s home and finding Hyejoo sitting against the wall of Yerim’s room, her sad and lost eyes watching her girlfriend (past? girlfriend) sob into her pillows, her fingers fisting at the soft wolf plushie that Hyejoo won her at some fair in the spring.

“I want to tell her that I’m okay. I don’t like watching her cry like this, Heejin. I want to tell her that I love her and that I loved every minute I spent with her and that I want her to be happy and okay in the future, to let me go.”

Walking to her and resting a comforting hand on the soul’s head and caressing it, Hyejoo leans into the warmth.

“Why does He have to be so cruel?”

Heejin shrugs and sighs, “I wish I could tell you something that won’t influence your future decision, Hye.”

“As much as I bitched around, I actually really liked living.”

Heejin laughs quietly, her emotions tapered enough to not cry at the loss of opportunity Hyejoo has been afforded.

“You may not be living anymore, but there is a life past death and I’m going to make sure you’re going to be able to live it, Hyejoo. Just stick in there a little bit longer. When Yerim falls asleep, _really_ focus on her, and say everything you need to say. She’ll dream enough to hear your voice and hopefully it will be enough for her to let go.”

Before leaving to find Chaewon and continue her night of chaos, Hyejoo clings to Heejin like a lost child desperate for affection. Dropping to her knees and hugging the soul close to her, Hyejoo’s fingers gently pet at her wings and it sends shivers down her spine.

“Your wings are black now, Heejin.”

Kissing her forehead and standing once again, the demon smiles lovingly at Hyejoo, her eyes soft.

“I promised you that I’d do whatever it takes to protect you. This was just one.”

Hyejoo’s innocent eyes are shocked and clouding with sadness, “You fell from grace for me?”

“It was due time for me to let go—you just gave me the strength to do it, Hye. Try not to feel sorry; I promise that I’m much happier now.”

“You’re gonna get Chae to let me go?”

Heejin smiles a reassuring smile to ease the anxiety riddling Hyejoo’s body, “I’m not gonna leave until that happens.”

(Heejin was going to have fun with this one—was going to really enjoy being bad for once without feeling guilty or having Hyunjin nagging her.

And God, was it going it be fun to get under Hyunjin’s skin.

Heejin thinks that spending six hundred something years with the angel has to mean something.)

~  
  
And mean something it does because Heejin locates Chaewon on her second attempt. 

Sitting at the top of the jungle gym at the park by her house, Chaewon refuses to cry. For the briefest moment that she was left alone, she received a call from Yerim she would never want to have the tragedy of getting.

_ “What do you want, Yerim?” _

_ When she hears the sniffling at the end of her line, her body straightens up, her ears straining to pick up the slightest of sounds, “Yerim, what’s wrong?” _

_ Sobbing now, almost enough to wail, Yerim can barely speak with her garbled words, “Hyejoo- she-” _

_ Popping off of the swings and pacing worriedly on the sidewalk of the playground, Chaewon feels a rush of fear eat at her. _

_ “What’s wrong with Hyejoo? Where is she?” _

_ “S-someone fucking shot her, Chae. I heard- I heard her die all fucking alone and scared.” _

_ “What do you- what do you mean, Yerim? Stop fucking around; this isn’t funny." _

_ Screaming now, Yerim is inconsolable, “I’m not fucking playing around, Chaewon! I saw her on the floor. The cops tried to pull me away, but I saw it. Hyejoo is dead because some asshole shot her right through the fucking head!” _

_ By how her stomach turns and bile rises from her throat and splatters on the sidewalk in front of her, everything is too tragic and terrifying to be true. _

_ Hyejoo was unrightfully murdered and the last thing Chaewon said to her was, “You’re better off dead to me.” _

Hovering above her and whispering all of the right words to agitate the girl, Heejin makes easy work of manipulating her feelings and bringing to surface the raw and genuine consuming emotions of guilt and rage. 

Chaewon trembles with anger—angry with the one who killed Hyejoo, with herself especially for being so cruel to her and abandoning her when Hyejoo needed her most, for never apologizing to her. 

It’s a rush of sudden fury, a wrath that makes her blood boil. Drowning in a heavy coat of guilt and desperation, Chaewon runs to Hyejoo’s house, climbs the fence, and takes advantage of the open window Hyejoo likes to keep open. Collapsing on her bed and burying her nose in her pillow and smelling the scent that is so innately Hyejoo, Heejin is there with her, sitting on the floor and looking at the girl in front of her, crying.

“Poor girl, what has Hyunjin done to you?”

Appearing like the rush of wind on a breezy day, Hyunjin graces Heejin’s eyes, her white wings glimmering.

“What are you doing here, Heejin?”

Smiling and waving at the angel as if she didn’t go through excruciating pain mere hours ago, Heejin is scarily back to the version of the angel that Hyunjin used to see before changing.

Except this time, she’s a demon, her midnight black wings taunting her.

“Nice to see you again, Hyun!”

“Answer the question, Heejin.”

Laughing and rolling her eyes, Heejin strolls around Hyejoo’s room, picking up the picture of her and Chaewon on the girl’s bedside table and flipping it down—as if she could ever alter the physical state of the world.

“You know what I’m doing here, Hyunjin. Hyejoo is watching her girlfriend sob over her and she needs to come home. Chaewon needs to let her go.”

Pointing at the girl crying into Hyejoo’s pillows, her fists clenching onto her bedsheets, “Look at her, Hyunjin. You’re going to let her suffocate in this guilt? Give her the guidance to let Hyejoo go.” 

The angel hesitates, knowing what she needs to do to give Hyejoo the freedom of leaving. Circling her now, Heejin trails her fingers on the edges of Hyunjin’s wings and she caresses them in the way that she knows Hyunjin loves. Coming to face her and gently cupping her cheeks with warm hands, Heejin’s soft gaze is overflowing with all the love in the world—Hyunjin has missed the sight so damn much.

“Don’t let your fears dictate what is right to do, Hyun. I know you. And I love you because in your heart, you know what is right. You’re brave enough. I believe in you. Do what is right this time; give Chaewon the strength to let Hyejoo go.”

Sitting next to Chaewon and running her hands through her hair, Hyunjin gives her the guidance to get Chaewon to let her old companion go. When Chaewon climbs out of the window and goes back to the playground she and Hyejoo used to play at, Hyunjin calls for Heejin before the demon could leave.

With big brown eyes desperate for comfort and affection, Heejin only frowns at her, her arms crossed and eyes cold, “What? Did you expect a hug? A kiss? You _ finally _ gave Hyejoo mercy. You let her and Chaewon suffer because of your own fear. And you expect me to welcome you back just because you finally did what’s right?”

Turning away from her, Hyunjin’s voice is a helpless plea, “Heejin, please. Stay. I need- I need you. I love you.”

It’s the first time Hyunjin admits ever needing her. Ever loving her.

Looking back, if Hyunjin didn’t know Heejin, she’d say that her eyes were emotionless and cold enough to make her freeze.

But, she knows Heejin. She sees the sadness in the cold that tainted how warm and loving her eyes used to be when they looked at her, “When I needed you, you left me and forsake me. What makes you think I’ll stay?”

Begging now, with her knees dropped to the floor, “Because you’re you, Heekkie. You stay because you’re you. Angel or demon, you’re you and I know you’ll stay.”

Even with everything in her telling her stay, even with her heart yearning to comfort the angel she used to love, Heejin steels herself.

“Get off of your knees. You know you’re only supposed to plead to Him, and Him alone.”

Leaving Hyunjin behind, Heejin can only think of Hyunjin’s desperate need for her.

She has waited for so long to hear “I love you” fall from Hyunjin’s lips.

But, this wasn’t the way she wanted to hear it.

She didn’t want Hyunjin to be broken, didn’t want for her to be pleading to her to stay.

But, Hyunjin is broken.

Heejin did well enough at breaking her, manipulating her by using her greatest weakness against her.

(Falling in love and wanting to be loved back shouldn’t be a weakness, but when exploited by fear the way Hyunjin was and is, it’s the one shot Heejin needs to make her crumble.)

She won’t be there to put her back together, not when Heejin doesn’t love the Hyunjin confessing to her.

She loves the one that is brave, fearlessly hopeful and courageous and sympathetic to the powerless. She loves the one that takes care of and treasures the people she guides, not the one that leads her people astray because of the monsters haunting her.

She loves the Hyunjin who will find a way to fight the fears plaguing her. And she is the Hyunjin she waits for—the Hyunjin she will stay for and love.

That much she promises to herself.

Eternity is a long time, but Heejin knows she’d wait the whole way if it meant Hyunjin coming back to her.

And Heejin doesn’t break promises.

~

Lying on the grass and watching the stars, Chaewon doesn’t know how life could be so cruel—by her own fault, how destiny is assigned to her, Chaewon doesn’t know what it is. When the trees sway with the breeze and Chaewon feels a little less lonely, her voice is soft.

Speaking into nothing, she closes her eyes and lets the tears escape from behind her lids.

“I’m so sorry, Hyejoo. I’m sorry for hurting you and leaving you, saying words that I knew would get you to stay away. And for ever saying- for saying that you’d be better off dead to me. That’s not true at all—I already miss you so much.”

When the sound of the leaves rustling in the wind fills the silence in the air, Chaewon feels a certain peace, “I hope you’re okay wherever you are. I hope that you’re happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you even if I did such a shit job at showing you that.”

Even if Chaewon is left to her own isolation, sitting beside her with her legs crossed, Hyejoo is there, picking at the grass blades between them, watching how her actions did nothing to the physical state of the world.

“It’s okay, Chae. I understand you. And I forgive you.”

Putting a hand over the one that lies on the grass, the sight of Heejin keeping her distance from them in the sky lets the lost soul know that she is no longer lost, no longer tethered to the world that kept her prisoner. Already bidding goodbye and leaving her words to the subconscious of Yerim’s sleep, Hyejoo knows that this is her last stop.

“I love you, Chae. Always.”

Almost as if the girl heard her, she smiles a tired smile, “I love you, Hye.”

When the soul looks up to Heejin and stands up from the grass, the arms that the demon offers to her is everything her heart needs. In Heejin’s arms like this with her wings enveloping her too, she feels like this is home.

“Have you thought about where you wanted to go? Do you still want to go to Heaven?”

Hyejoo nuzzles deeper into Heejin’s arms, “You won’t be there.”

Heejin sighs, reminding herself that her home is no longer in the skies, “No, I won’t.”

“I want to stay with you, Heejin. You’re home.”

“Are you absolutely sure, Hyejoo? God won’t be too kind to welcome you once you step foot in Hell.”

The soul in her arms smirks and scoffs, “God can go fuck Himself. He really wanted me to die before I could even get my driver’s license. Not only did I die a virgin, I died as a virgin who can’t drive. It can’t get much worse than that.”

Heejin laughs and when she walks Hyejoo through the fiery pits of Hell, Jungeun is the first to welcome them.

Hell is kinda funky, but Lucifer has a rad three headed dog that slobbers a bit too much but loves playing around and Hyejoo liked that. She also liked Jungeun and Sooyoung (she’s fun to tease). And she loved being with Heejin, loved being under her care.

It’s no Heaven. But, Heaven is no Hell.

~

Watching Hyejoo play with Semeol, the cerebus, Jungeun is beside Heejin.

“You think you willl ever see Hyunjin again?”

Heejin inhales a deep breath and exhales, the weight of the day leaving her lips.

“Yeah. I have faith in her. However long it takes, I know that she’ll find her way.”

“You know, for being a demon, you’ve got a lot of virtue.”

Heejin laughs and bumps Jungeun’s shoulders with hers, “I learned from the best.”

Jungeun brushes off the compliment, but with how she takes Heejin’s hand and kisses the temple of her forehead, the demon knows her words mean the world to her.

~.~.~

It’s innumerable years that pass by with Heejin only seeing Hyunjin in flashes, playing enough pranks here and there to rile her up in the mortal world where Hyunjin does her job as an angel and Heejin does hers as a demon.

Heejin thinks that Hyunjin isn’t too horribly mad at her when she successfully persuades Hyunjin’s person to vandalize the city mayor’s car with stolen graffiti cans because the angel’s smile is genuine and amused when the young girl proudly signs off her work with a frog.

(Heejin has long missed seeing that smile.)

It’s after the lifetime of that girl does Hyunjin fall from grace and into Heejin’s arms, her wings curling around her in a protective embrace.

“Welcome home, Hyun. I’ve been waiting for you.”

Somewhere along the night, Hyunjin kisses Heejin and it’s sweet and soft and slow and it’s everything she could want after missing her lips for so long.

The guilt that doesn’t come and eat her up, the fear that doesn’t plague her body and turn her blood cold is a welcomed change.

She likes how it feels to be in Heejin’s arms, to be allowed to be who she is in the sanctuary of Hell.

When she tells Heejin she loves her, it’s a rush of pleasure when she says it back, her eyes looking at her so lovingly and adoringly.

This is the Heejin that she loves.

Living without grace is more than okay if she is by her side.

Heejin kisses her good night and holds her to sleep, and yeah, this is definitely better than anything Heaven or God could ever provide.

Frankly, Hyunjin thinks that God could fuck right off.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> as always, thank you for your time and reading. i will love and appreciate any words or onions you choose to leave behind even if don't get back to you--it always means a lot to me.
> 
> reach me on twitter @kiminjiz and @kminjiz on curiouscat if you want to :D


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